A school district in the Detroit, MI area has learned the financial cost of ignoring bullying.  This month, the Hudson (MI) school district was ordered to pay $800,000 to a student who claimed the school did not do enough to protect him from years of bullying, some sexually tinged.

The financial cost is nothing compared to the emotional cost that years of bullying can inflict.  In fact the student in this case is now 19-years-old and is afraid to go to college based on his experiences since 7th grade.

Bullying is an issue in our local schools too.  Our state has mandated that schools address the issue with a prevention, education, and response plan.  Every school is not perfect yet, but I have seen many attempts to move in the right direction.  One step is parent education.  To that end, I will be presenting several parent programs in March/April that are open and free to the public.  Please register with each location to register so they can have seating and handouts prepared.

Here’s my upcoming schedule for Bully Proof Your Kid:  How to Stand Up to Bullies

Monday March 15:  Central School, Brecksville 6:30-7:30 PM

Monday April 19, Garfield Heights Library, 7-8 PM

Tuesday April 20, South East Library 7-8 PM

Thursday April 22, Brooklyn Library 7-8 PM

Monday April 26, Brook Park Library 7-8 PM

Tuesday April 27, Maple Heights Library 6:30-7:30 PM

Wed. April 28, Warrensville Heights Library 6:30-7:30 PM

Thursday April 29, Parma Ridge Library 7-8 PM

If I promise to tell you something, will you promise not to tell anyone else?  How tempting is that offer?  Young kids, and girls especially, are notorious for sharing secrets.

My 11-year-old daughter is guilty of sharing someone else’s personal information.  It gave me the perfect opportunity to guide her on what should and should not remain a secret.  In today’s world of kid’s sharing plans of harming themselves or others, we as parents need to make it VERY clear what information is not worth keeping quiet.

If your child learns that a friend or fellow student plans to hurt someone else, even a threat - that information needs to be shared with an adult.  It’s not your child’s job to determine if the threat was “just a joke.”  Most kids will assume it’s a joke, or not take it seriously.  But we know most attacks on teachers, students, or schools was shared previously with someone who refused to take it seriously.

Likewise, if someone threatens (online or in person) to commit suicide, your child must pass this on immediately.  Just imagine how you would feel if others had known of your own child’s intentions, but didn’t do anything?  It’s better to be safe than at a funeral.

Just like my daughter, all children need to be instructed about what is a secret to keep, and what information needs to be shared with an adult - even if the other child makes your kid swear not to tell.  Without this very important parent conversation, your child may inadvertently participate in a tragedy.

On Saturday March 21, Sarah Crump of the Plain Dealer wrote an excellent article on the effects of relational aggression between girls called “Modern Meanies.”  I was pleased to have the opportunity to be interviewed.  In addition to the article, I wanted to offer these tips for parents of girls dealing with this type of bullying:

First, for girls who are being targeted, here are some tips:

• Determine what you control. You have no control over other people and circumstances. But, you have full control of how you respond. Your response can influence any situation therefore you’re not helpless.

• Choose your response. If another girl is being mean to you, there are four ways to respond: ignore her, be mean back, talk to her face-to-face, or tell an adult. While I’m not encouraging being mean back, I’m being honest in saying that it is an option. Most likely, you’ve already tried it. Now, it’s time to honestly assess the best choice.

• Know the pros and cons. Ignoring a situation may work, but if things continue or get worse, it’s time for another response.

Being mean back may feel good in the moment, but it can also escalate bad feelings. Is it worth it?

Talking face-to-face can increase understanding but doesn’t guarantee cooperation or an apology.

If you’re feeling stuck, the situation is rapidly growing worse, or someone is in danger of being harmed, it’s time to ask an adult for help. Specify the help you want, especially if you fear the adult will take over.

• Express your stress. We make better decisions when we’re calm. Manage your stress daily through exercise, pursuing hobbies, journaling, talking to a trusted adult, prayer or meditation.

• Expand your friendships. Develop new friendships so that you’re not relying on one person. Measure healthy friendships by asking yourself, “After I spend time with this friend, how do I feel about myself?” If the answer isn’t positive, neither is the friendship.

Parents, if your daughter is a target of relational aggression, here are ways you can support her:

• Listen with empathy. Allow your daughter to describe her situation and express her feelings without interrupting, correcting, or minimizing. She needs to feel heard and at the same time, talking out loud helps her understand herself.

• Coach, don’t solve. Avoid taking over. Help your daughter sort through her options, but be careful about solving her problems. This is her chance to learn valuable conflict resolution skills.

• Skip empty platitudes. Telling girls, “Just ignore it,” or “That’s just how girls are,” leaves them feeling minimized and hopeless.

• Ask empowering questions. After your daughter explains her situation ask her, “What do want to do about this?” Help her weigh the pros and cons of her response. Ask her, “What part of this situation do you feel you can control?” to help her set reasonable expectations.

• Support healthy coping skills. Help your daughter develop healthy ways to manage stress such as exercise, hobbies, journaling, volunteering, faith, and expanding social connections.

I’ve posted a few videos on YouTube that you may find helpful. Also, check out my website for my E-Seminar BFF! (Except When We’re Not): A Parent’s Guide to Helping Girls Develop Healthy Friendships.

Finally, if you or your daughter would like to see me for counseling, please contact Lakeshore Educational & Counseling Services at 800-600-5327.

When you get mad, how do you respond?  If you’re a woman, have you ever let another person know how deeply you’ve been hurt or angered by NOT talking?  You silent treatment people know who you are…

Although it’s seems crazy to communicate being hurt by not communicating, that’s exactly what many women, and their daughters, do.  Social exclusion, or feeling cut off from relationships is at the core of how girls hurt one another.  The clinical term is called relational aggression.  If your daughter is experiencing difficulty in her friendships at school, you know all about it.

On Tuesday March 10, I’ll be delivery a free parenting seminar at the Strongsville Branch of the Cuyahoga County Library.  It runs 7:00-8:30 PM.  The information will teach adults (please don’t bring your girls) how to help girls develop healthy friendships and what to do if they are in the middle of drama right now.  Please call and register so we can have enough handouts.  If you can’t make it but still want the info, you can download my e-seminar called “BFF!  (Except When We’re Not)” anytime by visiting www.susanfee.com.

How’s the winter break going for your child?  Depending on school relations, the break is either filled with lots of activity with friends or the social calendar is very quiet.  You might not be aware of it, but your child may be on the outs at school - or even be suffering from bullying.  If so, would you know the signs?  Some bullying is physical, but it can also come in the form of emotional, verbal, and cyber abuse.

On Wednesday January 14, I’m delivering a free parenting seminar on how to Bully-Proof Your Kids at Ledgeview Elementary in Macedonia, 7-8 PM.  We’ll talk about the forms of bullying, differences between boys and girls, and how you and your child can respond.  Some kids are more vulnerable than others to bullying behavior making them easy targets.  I’ll spend quite a bit of time on how to raise more resilient children.  I wish we could end all bullying tomorrow, but there’s always going to be stuff that happens that adults don’t catch.  In that case, how well can your child handle himself?

Boys tend to bully in more overt ways like hitting or name calling.  Girls tend to bully in a more covert fashion, attacking relationships and using exclusion.  If you’re the parent of a daughter and want more detailed information on how to help your daughter establish healthy friendships, check out my new e-Seminar:   BFF!  (Except When We’re Not):  A Parent’s Guide to Helping Girls Develop Healthy Friendships. It’s an hour long MP3 with accompany PDF workbook that you can download immediately.

If you’d like to attend January 14th, please register by calling Cindy Chaffee at (330) 467-7119.  There’s no charge, but we want to make sure we have enough room and handouts.  The location is:

Ledgeview Elementary, 9130 Shepard Road, Macedonia, OH  44056 (7-8 PM).

Hope to see you there!  In the meantime, if you have questions, please post them here.