Part of parenting is managing unwanted behaviors in our children.  The question is, how to do it effectively?  This is the part of child-rearing where we basically take our best guess and hope.  Unless you have a background in child development, most of us revert to how we were raised.

If your parents yelled and spanked, that’s what you do.  If you had time outs and limited privileges, you call on the same tactics.  Sometimes we rebel against our upbringing and do the opposite.  If we felt our parents were too harsh, we try to reason with our kids versus discipline.

Fortunately, kids will give us immediate feedback.  If our strategies work, then the unwanted behavior stops or diminishes.  If the behaviors continue, then what we’re doing isn’t working.  Either we can do more of the same (but louder) or we can choose a different strategy.

I have found consequences rather than punishment works best.  Here’s the difference:  consequences are designed to teach a child self-discipline.  They are natural occurrences for undesirable behavior (i.e. child doesn’t complete homework, therefore cannot watch TV), and the child may get angry, but does not feel scared or unloved.  Just like in the real world, consequences are chosen.  If you speed, you risk getting a ticket.  It’s a choice you make.

The end result of punishment however, is fear, shame, and anger.  It’s doled out, usually in anger, to control a child’s behavior.  It offers no way for a child to learn self-discipline; only how to avoid the punishment.  Teaching children to fear you is a recipe for a disconnected relationship later.  Love can include consequences without shaming or belittling.  Examples of punishment include spanking, yelling, and name calling.  After punishment, your children will resent you.  After consequences, your children may be angry, but soon realize they can make another choice.  They are empowered.

So, what kind of discipline do you use?

It takes a very brave mom to reveal the time that she fell asleep in the middle of putting one kid to bed and forgot to get the other one out of the high chair.  But, that’s just how professional organizer Lea Schneider starts out her new book, Growing Up Organized:  A Mom-to-Mom Guide.

It doesn’t matter what excuse you or your family has for not being organized, Lea has “been-there-done-that,” and offers solid advice to move you forward.  For instance, she asks, are you living in C.H.A.O.S?  (Stands for “Can’t Have Anybody Over Syndrome”.)  Man do I know that one!  I just hosted a dinner party and cleaned for a good month ahead of time.  Yes, a month.  I made tons of donations to the Goodwill during that time, repaired broken picture frames, and painted.  Inviting other people over is a great motivator!

Tips cover everything from age-appropriate chores to completing homework to cooking with kids (she even provides easy recipes to make on days you’re organizing.)  I laughed out loud when she writes that an organized kid’s room means, “floors are for playing.”  I can’t WAIT to tell my 10-year old that!  By the look of her floor, it’s meant as a storage unit for all things that belong in her closet.  It also represents a major hurdle she must leap over to get into bed.

Organization may seem an impossible thing to get kids to do, but it makes such a difference in making a family and household run more smoothly.  Plus, the skill will help our kids be more successful if they can find their homework!  This book has given me hope.   What about you?  What are your tips or challenges when it comes to organizing?

I’ll be headed to Avon High School Wednesday 2/18 to talk with parents about helping girls develop healthy friendships.  It’s open to the public, so if you’re in the area, please feel free to join us 7:00-8:30 PM.  No matter how old (or young) your daughter is, I think you’ll benefit from the information shared.

I benenfit too.  The stories you share with me point me in the right direction as far as what to research, write about, and keep relevant.  Dads, you’re welcome too!  While women largely dominate these types of seminars, dads make a tremendous difference in a girl’s life. I just read one study that suggested that girls who have a strong, healthy relationship with their dad delay sexual activity much longer than girls who do not.

So, don’t let the weather stop you!  Come find out what’s going on in your daughter’s world.  If you can’t attend but still want the information, you can download my one-hour E-Seminar plus workbook by visiting www.susanfee.com.

If you are anywhere near a TV, newspaper, radio, or store you know that it’s Valentine’s Day on Saturday!  This is one of those days that can either excite or depress depending on your relationship status.  (The same is true with New Year’s Eve.)

My husband and I decided at least six weeks ago that we would host a couples dinner party on Saturday.  I can’t think of a better way to spend a day celebrating love than in my own home with friends.  I’m just not the going out type when it comes to such “holidays.”

What are your plans?  If your answer is, “nothing,” or “I’m single,” or “I’m married, but we’re struggling,” or any other relationship situation - Cuyahoga Valley Church is offering a terrific way to spend the evening at no charge!

They are showing the movie, “Fireproof” at 7:00 PM.  It’s a movie about a marriage on the verge of divorce that offers hope and inspiration.  Get this - there’s even free childcare!  CVC is at 77 and Wallings Road in Broadview Heights.  I’ve seen parts of the movie, and it offers a great message.  Check it out and let me know what you think.

I’ve joined a new club.  I’m now the parent of a kid in the double-digits and I think I’m going to like it just fine.  We survived the sleepover party with 13 girls and now that I have that behind me, I get to explore being a mom to a maturing daughter.

Many have warned me how challenging the coming years will be (not might, will). I don’t share their pessimism.  As a counselor, I have the privilege of hearing from the opposing side - teens themselves.  Beneath all the bravado, and for some, unfortunate choices, I hear kids who just want to be loved.  They want their parents to tell them what they’re doing right instead of only receiving corrections and lectures.  I haven’t met a kid yet who has not admitted to wanting parental approval.   I find this very reassuring.  I certainly don’t have all the right answers, but I know I have love to give.

So, let’s call the next parenting phase, “Great Expectations.” I can’t wait to dive into the first chapter.